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soul mate (noun): a person with whom one has a strong affinity, shared values and tastes, and often a romantic bond: I married my soul mate; you don’t get much luckier than that.(http://dictionary.reference.com/)
Given the definition found in most English dictionaries, it shouldn’t be impossible to find your soul mate – you just need to look around until you find the person having the same tastes and values as yours and that you are irresistibly attracted to.
In reality, we invest the words “soul mate” with much more meaning – a soul mate should be the perfect partner, who meets all our expectations and never disappoints us. The soul mate is considered the other half of your whole, as Plato put it. This kind of perspective is in fact harmful and we often see it in people who have been unsuccessfully trying to find the right man or woman for years.
There are multiple reasons why you should stop looking for your soul mate and find happiness alongside a real person:
Nobody is perfect forever
When you fall in love and start a relationship, your partner seems perfect. Idealization is a normal part of romantic love, but it doesn’t last for more than a few months. Soon enough, you discover your partner’s flaws and the relationship becomes less rosy.
If your approach on romance is an idealistic one, you’ll feel cheated and frustrated at the idea that once again you have failed to find your soul mate. You’ll probably start over with another person, but – does it surprise you? –you’ll soon get to the same point.
There’ll always be someone better
Comparing your partner against your idea of soul mate means that you’ll never find someone who meets all your standards. Instead of focusing on the real person next to you, you will be chasing a chimera and there will always be someone more entitled to help you accomplish your romantic dreams.
Finding a partner becomes more difficult
Finding the right person is hard when you are convinced you need to search the whole world for them, and people who believe in the concept of soul mate tend to have passionate but short-lived relationships.
You can’t focus on the realities of relationships
The truth is that love can hurt, and you’ll be more shocked to realize this when you embrace the soul mate theory. The thought that your soul mate is somewhere in the world distracts your from the possibility of getting hurt and simplifies relationships. But when you face reality, your entire soul mate theory will fall apart and you’ll feel disappointed. At the same time, you’ll be less likely to have a mature approach on common relationship issues.
The concept of soul mate promises easy success
If someone is “meant to be” for you, then you don’t have to struggle too much to make things work, right? Yet love is not something that happens to us, but an experience we create through our commitment and efforts.
When you believe in the idea of soul mate, you also think that your partner can read your mind without you communicating your needs – “If he’s my soul mate, he’ll understand what I need.” In reality, relationships rarely work like this and every pleasant experience, including sex, needs to be nourished in order to keep offering the same enjoyment.
The concept of soul mate is often associated with other kinds of unhealthy thinking about relationships, and believing in destiny can hurt your love life. Yet, you can experience the feeling that you have found your soul mate if you work on a relationship and don’t take it for granted – your soul mate is not a miracle that just hits you out of the blue, but a reality partners build together.
By the Couple Clinic, a company of Winnipeg therapists (www.winnipegcouplesclinic.ca).
